


When All I Knew Was What I Saw

by Cannot_wait_to_see



Category: Actor RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Kinda Asshole Jensen, M/M, Mentioned Het Relasionship, Teenage Drama, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 13:55:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16745266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cannot_wait_to_see/pseuds/Cannot_wait_to_see
Summary: Jensen wasn’t the first guy that Jared had a humongous gay crush on, but somehow this one was different. He just didn’t know why.





	When All I Knew Was What I Saw

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from New Order's "Love Less"
> 
> I do not own any of these characters, at all.
> 
> Also, any character's behavior is not a reflection of their real personality, that I know of, and are not a reflection of my own personal opinion on the actor or actress. (Don't worry, not a lot of assholery in this fic)
> 
> Be prepared, this is my first fic so don't set expectations too high and don't be too harsh, please.  
> (I'm sorry for the sadness)
> 
> All typos and spelling mistakes are mine

Jensen wasn’t the first guy that Jared had a humongous gay crush on, but somehow this one was different. He just didn’t know why.

 

Jared didn’t know what it was, maybe the fact that Jared knew Jensen since they were both five yet knew nothing essential about Jensen. Maybe Jared was just swept away by Jensen’s otherworldly looks. Or the mystery wrapped in the enigma of the riddle of Jensen. It wasn’t clear why Jared was enamored with Jensen other then the fact that he was just  _ Jensen _ : Otherwise normal yet a hidden quality or simple  _ thing  _ that made Jared want to be near him at any moment of any day.

 

Jensen seemed to have that effect on a lot of people. Jared knew he wasn’t the only person at Straddling High School who would wistfully watch as Jensen walked down the hallway. Although Jensen mostly showed interest in girls, many boys like Jared thought they had a chance. Perhaps they would be the one that Jensen would smile at, the one to get the only (supposedly) theater guy to come out as gay or bisexual. Jared knows he dreams it, the sole reason he devoted most of his weekends and after school hours to help with stage crew was the slim, limited potential of actually  _ interacting  _ with Jensen. Even if just for a smile from him. Jared doesn’t know how he became this pathetic when it came to Jensen, he’s like to think that it was all because of Jensen’s effect on him and on every that are graced with his presence. 

 

Other people, of course, beg to differ on Jensen’s effect.

 

“You’re just...clouded. He’s not that great, not a lot of people can stand him.” was the usual excuse form people who seemed to be oblivious to Jensen’s beauty and awesomeness.

 

More often than not, it came from Jared’s friends, specifically Milo. 

 

And, more often than not, Jared’s response was always the same: “Right, there are  _ people _ . But, they’re not me, so what should I care about what they say?” and Milo would always roll his eyes in response. “You don’t get it, Jared.” And the discussion would just end there.

 

Maybe Jared was a bit oblivious to reality, but as long as Jensen was secretly in love with him in his fantasies, what would Jared need reality for?

 

_______________________________________________________________________

 

Jared never thought himself too much of an extrovert. He liked hanging out with people, but he was fine with a quiet time by himself. He just  _ loved  _ people, talking to them and hugging them and whatever he could get away with before the recipient got too uncomfortable. Jared never got uncomfortable, for the most part. His friends weren’t much better, they all had a tendency to become obnoxious when they were all in the same place at once. 

 

But Jensen wasn’t the same way. He was pretty shy and didn’t talk nearly as much or as loud as Jared. In the few classes they shared throughout their high school career, Jensen always seemed pretty reclusive. And mostly looked annoyed at everyone and everything. Which was what really made the difference between Jared and Jensen. 

 

Although play practice had cast and crew together on one stage, there was a huge difference between on and off stage, which allowed Jared to pay even more attention. And make Genevieve feel even more significant. 

 

Genevieve was the victim that Jared dragged to stage crew, promising all the best gay shit they can talk about backstage, along with the other lesbians who found a place in their discussions. (It was funny how there was the gay male theater kid stereotype, yet no lesbian stage crew stereotype considering there was more lesbians there than anywhere else in the school.) She has her own commentary on Jensen that seemed to parallel Milo’s.

 

“He always looks like he’s glaring at me whenever I do  _ anything _ , even when I’m helping him!” It was usually the focus of many rants of stage crew. Chad, one of the actors who much prefered the crew over the cast, interjected with similar comments. “He just hates people, how is it any different than when  _ you  _ glare at everyone!” Jared would defend to the shaking heads. He never dewelled on it, not really. So Jensen was a little shy and hated people, who cares? Jared could still work with that, didn’t discourage him into imaging a chance of love from the so-called “Loveless.”

 

“You just don’t get it, Jared.” Chad would say. Not once did Jared ask what he didn’t get. 

Not once did any of his friends try to really warn him.

_________________________________________________________________

 

Then, Jared got what he wanted: interaction with Jensen. More than a polite conversation, too. From a school project of all things!

 

Paired up for a presentation on something Jared couldn’t care less about, because all he needed was Jensen who was going to interact with him after school. Jared felt like a little child at Christmas. Actually, he felt even better than that, but had no words to describe it. Which left Jared where he usually found was his automatic state around Jensen: socially inept. 

 

“So,” Jensen said once they found themselves in the library after school to work on the project, “I was thinking we could make our own idea instead of Kripke’s suggested ones. Nothing against them, but I feel that everyone else is going to do it.” Jared, the suave and charming man he was could only nod his head and awkwardly laugh and smile. Jensen seemed oblivious to his mental breakdown. 

 

“Cool.” Jensen replied, smiling back at Jared, his green eyes catching the only light that apparently existed in the dimly-lit library with enough left over to reflect off his hair, giving it more of a blonde look. 

 

The rest of the 15 minutes of brainstorming went about the same way. Jensen was perfect and Jared was a bumbling idiot who either didn’t say anything or provided useless information that no one cared about. 

 

Despite the rough start, joining stage crew for the school musical seemed to pay off since with Jensen starting small talk about the plays they did over the years and inside jokes Jared got despite being on crew when Jensen was cast.

 

After a couple hours working through awkward silences and reactions after school in the library, the project was officially done, but it didn’t stop Jared from wanting to talk more, asking Jensen to come over his house sometime. 

 

“Sure.” Jensen replied, obviously agreeing more out of kindness than actual want. Yet again, he smiled and Jared melted from his chair to under Jensen’s feet. “Cool!” Jared replied with more enthusiasm than needed. “Hey, also...not that you need to know but…” Jared stopped himself before he admitted his love or something equally embarrassing, trying to think of something to say. “..uh, I have a dog in case you’re allergic or have a vengeance against the entire species or something.”

 

Jensen laughed, “No, I love dogs, I’m cool.”  _ Yeah, I’d say more hot that cool,  _ Jared berated himself for thinking.

 

“Cool...cool.” Jared said before dashing away before Jensen could find some new way to become even more adorable.

 

______________________________________________________________

 

Jared’s parents thought Jensen was adorable, too. Jensen had stayed for dinner that Saturday, politely thanking them for having him and acting like a good ole southern boy. Jared couldn’t help but be more in love. 

 

Instead of the expected childhood stories, Jared’s parent went right to the question of Jensen’s family and life since he went to Jared’s elementary school. Jensen humored them, but didn’t try to further the conversation into anything more. Jared’s dad tried to ask Jensen’s opinion on politics, which Jensen perfectly passed on by mentioning football, opening a topic Jared couldn’t help but feel encouraged to jump in on, hoping to impress Jensen with his knowledge.

 

Once everything seemed calm in terms of conversation with Jensen talking about his roles in the school play, Jared’s sister showed up. For a while, it felt like Jared was introducing his parents to his new boyfriend. In fact, Jared forgot that anyone existed except for Jensen before his sister showed up, waking Jared up into the real world. 

 

Jared’s sister arriving seemed to be the sign that the embarrassing childhood stories should start. First was the stories of when Jared used to pretend that his bed was a spaceship like on Star Trek, then all the embarrassing injuries like the time Jared literally walked into a pole, and then his sister found an appropriate time to mention how awkward Jared was whenever she saw him talking to girls or guys he liked.  _ Might as well just go out and tell him I’m Jensen love with him,  _ Jared thought as his sister drone on and on. 

It was then that Jensen started to look uncomfortable by the conversation, probably putting the clues together and realizing Jared’s feelings for him. Quickly, Jared tried to kill the conversation and drag Jensen away to hang out with him and have more interaction one-on-one. Surprisingly, Jensen didn’t mention anything about Jared’s strange behavior, either ignoring the obvious feelings or not realizing that Jared even has any.

 

“You know, you didn’t actually had to agree to come to my house, you could’ve avoided all of.. _ that _ .” Jared said while Jensen found himself a place to sit in Jared’s bedroom.

 

“Yeah, I know that, but you seem like a cool guy, wanted to get to know you better. Even if you are trying to ride your dog like a horse.” Jared forgot how to sit for a second. Not only does Jensen find him cool, but he also was paying attention to all the embarrassing stories. 

 

“I was, like, 10 years old and our dog  _ was _ a horse. But, yeah, it’d be cool if you hung out more with me. You’re not so bad yourself.”  _ You’re a goddamn adonis,  _ Jared wanted to say as he found stable ground sitting next to Jensen.

 

“Cool.” Jensen replied.  _ Cool _ was starting to become Jared’s favorite word, especially when it was Jensen who was saying it.

 

They both looked at each other and, for more than a second, Jared was pretty sure they would have kissed if not for Jared’s sister walking into his room with, of course, embarrassing baby pictures. Why did he ever tell her about Jensen?

 

____________________________________________________________

 

The following Monday, Jared couldn’t wait to tell his friends. Chad seemed excited for him, Genevieve couldn’t help but smile at his schoolboy love, and Milo just smiled.

 

For once, no one said anything and, for once, Jared wanted them to.

 

__________________________________________________________________

The following weeks found Jared and Jensen talking about nothing at all. It was like a lame set up to a really awkward rom-com. Jared was more than ready to tell Jensen about his feelings, couldn’t help but feel that he was missing out everytime he bit his tongue, like something could happen if only he spoke up. But he didn’t think he really had any competition, unlike before they started talking and it seemed like everyone wanted Jensen. 

 

Hanging out with Jensen also gave Jared more insight to the mystery of Jensen. He liked acting and theater, was thinking about physical therapy, and loved reading. But Jensen never got too deep or personal with Jared, making Jared feel bad about asking personal questions when it was obvious that he didn’t want to talk about it that much. So Jared made up for it by telling Jensen his personal stuff, even if it was embarrassing, all so he could see the beautiful smile grace his lips.

 

As Jared hung out more with Jensen, he saw more of the people Jensen seemed to hang out with all the time. They weren’t people Jared would normally talk to but they acted like Jared was a long last friend who they recently found. 

 

One time at lunch, one of Jensen’s friends, Misha was his name, took him aside and asked him if he was in love with Jensen. It came to out of the blue that Jared told him the truth, that Jensen was the second guy who he had feelings for ever since he realized he was bisexual. Misha shook his head and looked a lot like Milo for a second. 

 

“I doubt that anyone has told you but you shouldn’t try anything serious with Jensen.” Before Jared could ask why, Jensen showed up and grabbed Jared to go to their English class. All Jared got out of the statement was that he shouldn’t  _ try  _ meaning that it could be potential that he and Jensen would become more than awkward friends.

 

________________________________________________________________

 

Not long after the encounter with Misha, Jared was invited to Jensen’s house for the first time in their 10-week long friendship. Jensen’s parents were pretty nice, but seemed pretty preoccupied so Jared tried not to bother them. He found himself in Jensen’s room, sitting on the bed while Jensen furiously typed away at his laptop, asking Jared questions about the essay he was writing.

 

“So, what do your parents do? They seem pretty busy.” Jared asked, surveying the room.

 

“Real estate, family business.” Jensen mumbled.

 

“Oh..cool.” Jensen didn’t reply and all that could be heard was the typing.

 

“So, I was talking to Misha the other day and…” He stopped talking once the sound of typing disappeared from the room.

“Did he say something about…” Jensen swirled around and looked him in the eyes. For the first time, there wasn’t any glint of light reflecting in Jensen’s eyes or hair. For once, he seemed like a normal human.

 

“No, actually he didn’t say anything, but I thought you would know what he was going to say.” Jared didn’t think it was fit to say anything about what Misha said about trying to start a relationship. 

 

“Ok.” 

 

“What did you think he was going to say?” Jensen looked everywhere but his eyes when he replied: “That’s kinda personal.”

 

Jared sighed in frustration. “C’mon, Jensen! I tell everything about my life, why can’t you just tell-”

 

“Because I don’t want to, ok? Can’t you just leave me alone and respect my goddamn privacy! You don’t need to know everything about my life, jeez” Jensen’s eruption caught Jared off guard. It seemed really out of character for him. At least, Jared thought so, but he still didn’t really know Jensen. 

 

“Sorry. I just don’t feel like talking about it.” Jensen said when he swiveled back to face the computer. Jared didn’t reply, just stared at Jensen while he pretended to concentrate on his work. Jared wasn’t sure what he was supposed to feel so he grabbed his stuff and left with a mumbled goodbye to Jensen.

 

________________________________________________________________

 

The next day, Jared decided to finally ask Milo what he didn’t understand.

 

“You remember Danneel Harris, right? She moved away a couple years ago, we used to be really close. Anyway, she had this big crush on Jensen and they started dating before high school. He was nice and all, but she always told me that they never really  _ connected _ , I guess. He never opened up to her even though they were pretty close, she told me that he’s a hard guy to get to know.” Jared stayed silent.

 

“Yeah, Milo, I already know that, first hand experience.” He replied, unamused. He hadn’t talked to Jensen for a week since Jensen yelled at him. He felt like he was going through a Jensen withdrawal.

 

“Exactly! Now you know but before that all you saw was some green eyes and blonde hair. But there’s more to him, stuff you don’t know about, no one knows about. You act like he’s some  _ spiritual being  _ but..he’s just this guy. You don’t really understand him, or anyone. You’ve been looking at him through these rose-colored glasses, you see the movie cliches. That’s all you’ve ever seen until now. Come on, man, would you just be realistic for once about this! Shit, I’m sorry, I’m really not trying to be another asshole in your life. I just don’t want you to do something stupid and end up a miserable bastard.” Jared didn’t know whether to cry or laugh.  _ Too late. _

 

Jared realized he was right. But he still felt like he could end things better with Jensen.

 

____________________________________________________________

 

Jared found Jensen in the library after school. Seemed like a perfect way to end things in the place where they essentially began. He was sitting alone, looked otherwise normal, not happy or sad. 

 

Jared shuffled over to Jensen and quiet mumbled a greeting, getting a startled reactions in response. Jared sat down next to him. Things got more awkward than usual.

 

“Look, I just wanted to say-” Jensen started but Jared cut him off with a shake of his head. “No, I actually want to tell you something...a lot of something, really. Maybe not here though.” Jensen nodded his head and lead him to the school stage.

 

Jared laughed, how ironic was this. 

 

“Okay, I’ll start.” Jared stated, walking to center stage while Jensen stayed in the audience. It felt like Jared was starting some monologue from some drama or play.

 

“Jensen, I’m in love with you. I have been since I was 13. But I realized that I wasn’t really, because I didn’t know. And I don’t expect to know you, not really. You’re a private person, I get that, I shouldn’t have pushed but you didn’t have to be an asshole. But, I just...I don’t want you to date me or be my friend because you feel you have to since I want to. “ Jared sighed for a second and then laughed saying, “God, I feel like the most dramatic person right now, standing here on the stage confessing my love. So glad, I didn’t join cast in the school play.” 

 

Jensen sighed and looked up to Jared, not smiling with tears in his eyes. Carefully, he walked up on to the stage. 

 

“So yeah, I just needed to tell you. That I love you...I think.”

 

It was silent for a second.

 

“Cool.” was the only thing that Jensen said. But Jared knew what it really meant. 

 

_ I’m sorry. I don’t love you. _

  
  



End file.
